Conservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying America

Conservatives Explain How Woke Culture Is Destroying America

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As the culture wars continue to escalate, many have cast the “woke mind virus” as public enemy No. 1. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how woke culture is destroying America, and this is what they said.

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Doug Mendoza (Screenwriter)

Doug Mendoza (Screenwriter)

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“It makes people have too much sex or too little sex, I’m not sure which.”

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Harvey Caplan (VP of Acquisitions)

Harvey Caplan (VP of Acquisitions)

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“Because of the woke mob, every time I look at teenagers now all I can think about is what genitals they may or may not have. I know I’m not the only one.”

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Ryan Peters (Ad Sales)

Ryan Peters (Ad Sales)

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“I was in incredible physical shape back before the country went all woke.”

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George Wintersteiner (Bus Driver)

George Wintersteiner (Bus Driver)

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“A hundred years ago you’d walk down the street and see at least a dozen fellas playing the spoons. Nowadays? No spoons. That’s the left.”

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Samantha Hudson (Dentist)

Samantha Hudson (Dentist)

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“My child asked me if anything bad has ever happened to anyone ever. As a parent, what am I supposed to say to that?”

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Raiyan Ashraf (Lawyer)

Raiyan Ashraf (Lawyer)

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“The woke mind virus made me addicted to gay pornography.”

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Mitch McConnell (Senator)

Mitch McConnell (Senator)

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“It’s had a negligible effect on what we’ve been building, but it’s mildly annoying.”

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Robin O’Neill (Retired)

Robin O’Neill (Retired)

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“The public’s obsession with wokeness has resulted in some pretty boring book club selections these past few years.”

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Andrew Quentin (Barista)

Andrew Quentin (Barista)

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“All of a sudden I have to watch Aladdin thinking Aladdin is the hero, when we all know that it’s all villains because it’s set in the Middle East.”

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Wayne Thompson (Café Owner)

Wayne Thompson (Café Owner)

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“Dave Chappelle makes a couple jokes about trans people, and—poof!—he disappears from the face of the earth.”

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Bethany Dickson (Cannery Worker)

Bethany Dickson (Cannery Worker)

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“It’s turning kids into chupacabras, but the mainstream media won’t tell you.”

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Lionel Pendergast (Fertilizer Salesman)

Lionel Pendergast (Fertilizer Salesman)

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“The world laughs less now that 50-year-olds exclusively expound upon their battles with cancellation.”

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Betty Faber (Stay-at-Home Mom)

Betty Faber (Stay-at-Home Mom)

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Woke culture created Hamilton the musical, and now my kids think they can rap-sing like Daveed Diggs.

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Anthony Brown (Police Officer)

Anthony Brown (Police Officer)

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“Gone are the days when people respected law enforcement officers’ need to inflict violence on Black people.”

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Donny Hansen (Stockbroker)

Donny Hansen (Stockbroker)

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“You can’t even chant ‘Jews will not replace us’ without being called a Nazi by the fascist left.”

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Ebad Kaleem (Engineer)

Ebad Kaleem (Engineer)

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“I should be the one to decide whether my child learns that slavery has ended.”

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Selime Dede (Sommelier)

Selime Dede (Sommelier)

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“Donald Duck is gay now, according to my slash fiction. That’s woke culture for you.”

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Aisha Walters (Computer Scientist)

Aisha Walters (Computer Scientist)

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“How can we have a country when we can’t even rationally discuss which races have to go?”

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