Since Jan. 6, 2021, many Trump supporters have been preparing to wage war against the U.S. government. The Onion asked conservatives why they are preparing for a civil war, and this is what they said.
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“We have no choice. The Constitution clearly states that the South shall rise again.”
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“It would just be nice to have a civil war we could teach about and not bring up slavery.”
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“I recently killed someone, and if the war comes soon enough, I’m hoping it can just get lumped in.”
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“Um, something about George Soros and immigrants or—hold on, I have it written down somewhere.”
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“I feel like carnage on a national scale might shake things up a little.”
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“It’s either prepare for a civil war or try to get out there and date again.”
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“I’ve got some vacation days saved up.”
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“It’d help me get my steps in.”
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“If I’ve learned one thing from watching the modern Democratic Party operate, it’s that they’re an uncompromising faction working in perfect harmony, and they’ll do anything to accomplish their goals.”
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“Not really sure. I’ll probably just do it until the NFL regular season starts.”
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“Oh, this isn’t for a civil war. I’ve always had this many guns.”
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“Just because you fantasize over something so much it becomes your entire personality doesn’t mean you want it to happen.”
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“You can only bomb so many Middle Eastern countries before you eventually start bombing your own.”
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“When I was a child, the government forced me to learn to read, and I can’t unlearn that. That’s tyranny.”
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“If regular war is good for the economy, a civil war must be twice as good.”
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“I’m rock hard just thinking about the profit we’d make.”
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“My ratings have been way up. So that’s not a great sign.”
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“We need new statues.”
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“It’s just easier to go to war again than take down my Confederate flag.”
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“I really don’t see any solution to this other than us getting killed by the government.”
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