Conservatives Explain Why They Are Preparing For A Civil War

Conservatives Explain Why They Are Preparing For A Civil War

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Since Jan. 6, 2021, many Trump supporters have been preparing to wage war against the U.S. government. The Onion asked conservatives why they are preparing for a civil war, and this is what they said.

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Ryan Williams (Mechanic)

Ryan Williams (Mechanic)

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“We have no choice. The Constitution clearly states that the South shall rise again.”

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Lee Skillman (Magazine Editor)

Lee Skillman (Magazine Editor)

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“It would just be nice to have a civil war we could teach about and not bring up slavery.”

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Jeffrey Gunnell (Software Developer)

Jeffrey Gunnell (Software Developer)

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“I recently killed someone, and if the war comes soon enough, I’m hoping it can just get lumped in.”

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Vicki Dupree (Skin Care Specialist)

Vicki Dupree (Skin Care Specialist)

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“Um, something about George Soros and immigrants or—hold on, I have it written down somewhere.”

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Bo Rhodes (Carpenter)

Bo Rhodes (Carpenter)

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“I feel like carnage on a national scale might shake things up a little.”

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Oscar Torres (Data Scientist)

Oscar Torres (Data Scientist)

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“It’s either prepare for a civil war or try to get out there and date again.”

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Travis Kutterman (Furniture Salesman)

Travis Kutterman (Furniture Salesman)

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“I’ve got some vacation days saved up.”

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Gina Lopez (Personal Assistant)

Gina Lopez (Personal Assistant)

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“It’d help me get my steps in.”

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Terry Brown (Dentist)

Terry Brown (Dentist)

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“If I’ve learned one thing from watching the modern Democratic Party operate, it’s that they’re an uncompromising faction working in perfect harmony, and they’ll do anything to accomplish their goals.”

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Dennis Robels (Network Administrator)

Dennis Robels (Network Administrator)

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“Not really sure. I’ll probably just do it until the NFL regular season starts.”

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Scott Windmire (Superintendent)

Scott Windmire (Superintendent)

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“Oh, this isn’t for a civil war. I’ve always had this many guns.”

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Jason Iuppa (Bank Teller)

Jason Iuppa (Bank Teller)

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“Just because you fantasize over something so much it becomes your entire personality doesn’t mean you want it to happen.”

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Peter McGuire (Marketing Executive)

Peter McGuire (Marketing Executive)

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“You can only bomb so many Middle Eastern countries before you eventually start bombing your own.”

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Guy Arnold (Bus Driver)

Guy Arnold (Bus Driver)

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“When I was a child, the government forced me to learn to read, and I can’t unlearn that. That’s tyranny.”

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Greg Abbott (Governor of Texas)

Greg Abbott (Governor of Texas)

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“If regular war is good for the economy, a civil war must be twice as good.”

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Gregory Hayes (Raytheon CEO)

Gregory Hayes (Raytheon CEO)

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“I’m rock hard just thinking about the profit we’d make.”

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Tucker Carlson (Fox News Host)

Tucker Carlson (Fox News Host)

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“My ratings have been way up. So that’s not a great sign.”

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Megan Grindle (Antiques Dealer)

Megan Grindle (Antiques Dealer)

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“We need new statues.”

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Clyde Dugan (Contractor)

Clyde Dugan (Contractor)

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“It’s just easier to go to war again than take down my Confederate flag.”

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Lori Welch (Video Rental Cashier)

Lori Welch (Video Rental Cashier)

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“I really don’t see any solution to this other than us getting killed by the government.”

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