Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

Since Mar-a-Lago was raided on Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI has fielded an unprecedented number of threats against its personnel and property. The Onion asked conservatives why they do not trust the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and this is what they said.

Advertisement

Cindy Martinez (Homemaker)

Cindy Martinez (Homemaker)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“How can we trust an agency that won’t even drag Hillary Clinton out of her home and execute her in the street?”

Advertisement

Heidi McCoy (Botanist)

Heidi McCoy (Botanist)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“They work for the government, unlike regular police.”

Advertisement

Nate Porter (Personal Trainer)

Nate Porter (Personal Trainer)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“They think they can just show up whenever they want and lawfully execute a warrant.”

Advertisement

Raymond Hogan (Truck Driver)

Raymond Hogan (Truck Driver)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“There’s no FBI in the Bible.”

Advertisement

Lisa Rodriguez (NSA Agent)

Lisa Rodriguez (NSA Agent)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“They hog all the good microphones.”

Advertisement

Qadir Sulemani (Muslim Cleric)

Qadir Sulemani (Muslim Cleric)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“They know everything about me but share nothing of themselves.”

Advertisement

Sarah Leach (CIA Agent)

Sarah Leach (CIA Agent)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”

Advertisement

Simon Walsh (Tour Guide)

Simon Walsh (Tour Guide)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“‘Bureau’ sounds Mexican.”

Advertisement

Sara Haslam (Vet Tech)

Sara Haslam (Vet Tech)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“Not shadowy enough.”

Advertisement

Raj Patel (Computer Engineer)

Raj Patel (Computer Engineer)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“How does confiscating top-secret documents from an unsecured location in the home of an erratic, senile old man make us any safer?”

Advertisement

Flynn Chapman (Dentist)

Flynn Chapman (Dentist)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“A coercive and deadly apparatus of the state, especially one tasked with enforcing a code of law that is already nothing but the vagaries of political self-preservation, should always be feared when it targets white people.”

Advertisement

Josh Siemens (Banker)

Josh Siemens (Banker)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“I’m a hardcore State Department fan.”

Advertisement

Wendy Costello (Pilot)

Wendy Costello (Pilot)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“I’ll never forgive them for assassinating the original Big Bird.”

Advertisement

Charles Kincaid (Ice Cream Truck Driver)

Charles Kincaid (Ice Cream Truck Driver)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“They still haven’t caught me, after I’ve left so many clues.”

Advertisement

Marcus Adams (Physical Therapist)

Marcus Adams (Physical Therapist)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“Every day criminals go unpunished while the FBI uses my tax dollars to buy themselves a bunch of fancy windbreakers.”

Advertisement

Andrew Giles (Contractor)

Andrew Giles (Contractor)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“The federal government is corrupt from top to bottom, with the exception of like five or six mailmen.”

Advertisement

Eric Trump (Businessman)

Eric Trump (Businessman)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“They broke into our home in the middle of the night and murdered my father in cold blood.”

Advertisement

Dan Wright (Barber)

Dan Wright (Barber)

Image for article titled Conservatives Explain Why They Do Not Trust The FBI

“Look, I’m just telling you what Fox News told me I think now.”

Advertisement