Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States

“Someone on Fox News said ‘woke’ a lot, and I suddenly want nothing to do with Maryland.”

“If blue states were a different country, it’d be much more exotic traveling to Michigan.”

“Are we supposed to know the reasons we do things?”

“Presumably, the red states would get alimony.”

“I’d be fine just seeing Guam on the weekends.”

“In order for European ethnic groups to survive on their earned land and maintain the natural patriarchal order, secession is a necessary pivot. Otherwise, the white man will be forced to heel to a multi-ethnic, feminist, gender-fluid, globalist, and godless society that will reduce the European race to minority status. Sieg Heil!”

“Just knowing San Francisco is only 1,500 miles away from me has me terrified to step out my door.”

“Getting rid of Illinois would really shorten the drive to my mother’s house.”

“I’m pretty sure a red state will appoint me some kind of god-king.”

“I have a sneaking suspicion that Vermont has been intimate with Canada.”

“It’s unfair for red states to bear the burden of receiving and spending more federal funds.”

“Oregon gives me the creeps.”

“Twice as many networking opportunities!”

“It’s been 246 years, which is a long time for any relationship. I think red states are ready to explore the possibilities with polyamorous tantric sex gurus and personal trainers.”

“I self-sabotage all my relationships, so this felt inevitable.”

“It just seems easier than trying to reason with the crazy liberals who want basic human rights.”

“Wait, hold on, I still get to live in New York, right?”

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