Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States

Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States

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Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said.

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2 / 20

Lindsay Leonard, Realtor

Lindsay Leonard, Realtor

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“Someone on Fox News said ‘woke’ a lot, and I suddenly want nothing to do with Maryland.”

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3 / 20

Holly Sorgen, Hair Stylist

Holly Sorgen, Hair Stylist

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“If blue states were a different country, it’d be much more exotic traveling to Michigan.”

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4 / 20

Drew Huang, Stockbroker

Drew Huang, Stockbroker

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“Are we supposed to know the reasons we do things?”

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5 / 20

Alice Hernandez, Bus Driver

Alice Hernandez, Bus Driver

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“Presumably, the red states would get alimony.”

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6 / 20

Tim Burnett, Lawyer

Tim Burnett, Lawyer

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“I’d be fine just seeing Guam on the weekends.”

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7 / 20

Big Boy, Statue/Mascot

Big Boy, Statue/Mascot

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“In order for European ethnic groups to survive on their earned land and maintain the natural patriarchal order, secession is a necessary pivot. Otherwise, the white man will be forced to heel to a multi-ethnic, feminist, gender-fluid, globalist, and godless society that will reduce the European race to minority status. Sieg Heil!”

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8 / 20

Margaret DeLong, Homemaker

Margaret DeLong, Homemaker

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“Just knowing San Francisco is only 1,500 miles away from me has me terrified to step out my door.”

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9 / 20

Erin Sandersonm, Software Programmer

Erin Sandersonm, Software Programmer

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“Getting rid of Illinois would really shorten the drive to my mother’s house.”

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10 / 20

Tucker Carlson, Fox News Host

Tucker Carlson, Fox News Host

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“I’m pretty sure a red state will appoint me some kind of god-king.”

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11 / 20

Simon Lu, Plastic Surgeon

Simon Lu, Plastic Surgeon

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“I have a sneaking suspicion that Vermont has been intimate with Canada.”

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12 / 20

Nora Carlson, Dietician

Nora Carlson, Dietician

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“It’s unfair for red states to bear the burden of receiving and spending more federal funds.”

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13 / 20

Eleanor Reese, Hairdresser

Eleanor Reese, Hairdresser

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“Oregon gives me the creeps.”

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14 / 20

Genevieve Welch, Pharmaceutical Lobbyist

Genevieve Welch, Pharmaceutical Lobbyist

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“Twice as many networking opportunities!”

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15 / 20

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

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“It’s been 246 years, which is a long time for any relationship. I think red states are ready to explore the possibilities with polyamorous tantric sex gurus and personal trainers.”

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16 / 20

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC)

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“I self-sabotage all my relationships, so this felt inevitable.”

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17 / 20

Judy Kim, Chiropractor

Judy Kim, Chiropractor

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“It just seems easier than trying to reason with the crazy liberals who want basic human rights.”

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18 / 20

Sean Hannity, Fox News Host

Sean Hannity, Fox News Host

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“Wait, hold on, I still get to live in New York, right?”

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19 / 20

You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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