As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a “baby bust.” The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they said.
“Well, I’m certainly open to other ways of hampering their independence.”
“This compound ain’t gonna populate itself.”
“I’ve been conditioned to believe I have no other function.”
“It’s probably too late to catch up with ants, but we simply must try.”
“The milk. It must flow.”
“Frankly, we’re running out of people who agree with us.”
“The more children we have in schools, the greater your chance someone else’s kid will get shot.”
“We can’t afford another bad quarter here at Little Tikes.”
“Once you’ve had one baby, that one needs a friend! Then that next one needs an enemy, which means you’ll need a fourth to be a peacemaker, unless the first one steps up to the task.”
“It doesn’t make financial sense to spend $1,000 on a stroller if you’re only going to use it once.”
“The more we have, the harder it’ll be for liberals to steal them all.”
“Being a mother is the most important thing a woman without the fortitude to stage a military coup can do.”
“Who wouldn’t want to experience the miracle of raising a cheap labor.”
“Women will have to go on maternity leave, which makes it way easier to lay them off.”
“It’s a bandaid solution while we soften public opinion on sterilizing minorities.”
“Well, what else are they doing?”
“Childbirth is a respectable cause of death.”