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Conservatives Question Why FBI Raided Mar-A-Lago While Dick Dastardly Remains Free

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that authorities were ignoring the real criminals in favor of a targeted witch hunt against Donald Trump, prominent conservatives questioned Monday why the FBI would spend time raiding Mar-a-Lago when Dick Dastardly remained free. “Why is it that Donald Trump has to live his life being relentlessly persecuted by Joe Biden’s cronies, but real criminals like double-dealing do-badders Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley, can repeatedly break the law?” said Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, adding that he thought it was disgusting for the Justice Department to target a former president when it had totally ignored Dick Dastardly’s repeated schemes to destroy beloved American war hero Yankee Doodle Pigeon. “President Trump spent four years doing nothing but helping the American people, yet the FBI has never once obtained a search warrant to enter Dick Dastardly’s dreaded Mean Machine. Plus, none of his associates like Zilly, Klunk, or any of the Vulture Squadron have even once been questioned. This is a banana republic!” At press time, DeSantis told reporters he had gathered several video confessions of Dick Dastardly yelling “Drat, drat, and double drat!” and “Curses, foiled again!” and was planning on turning them over as a part of a rival GOP probe.