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Cops Confident School Shooter Will Tucker Himself Out

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AINSWORTH, OH—Members of law enforcement responding to a violent situation unfolding at McKinsdale Elementary School reportedly made the decision to stand down Friday after becoming confident that a school shooter would tucker himself out. “We’re hearing reports that he’s running through classrooms gunning down students at full speed, so you know that within a few minutes he’ll be too worn out to continue, and then we’ll get him,” said the visibly relaxed Ainsworth police chief, Ryan Lindsay, adding that a teacher who had called 911 reported that the gunman was carrying an AR-15, which was a pretty heavy firearm, so it probably wouldn’t be long now before he needed to sit down for a spell. “We just have to let him burn off some energy and let that adrenaline wear off, and then he’ll be right where we want him. Plus, the school security guard told us he saw the shooter exit the building through a door that locked behind him, so to reenter and continue killing children he had to run all the way around the school to the front door , which probably took a lot out of the little guy. If everyone just remains calm, the assailant should be ready to rest his weary bones in no time.” The police chief added that the officers were encouraged by reports from those trapped in the school who said the shooter was headed for the kindergarten, which was a classroom with a lot of pillows that might tempt him to lie down and take a nap.