Cops React To The Fentanyl Crisis

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Officer Angela Dawson

“Of all the epidemics I’ve exaggerated to increase public sympathy for the police, fentanyl is one of the most fun.”

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Officer Emil Paterno

“The main crisis is that I’ve made over $300,000 in cash selling fentanyl, and I have nowhere good to launder it.”

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Officer Rachel Jeffries

“I like wearing a gas mask and screaming when I confiscate it. I feel like a Ghostbuster.”

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Officer Janet Anderson

“It’s a cheap and easy recreational drug to plant on people, so I’m all in.”

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Officer Rahm Davies

“Oh, fentanyl. I read that as ‘pterodactyl.’ I was fucking scared.”

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Officer Jeffrey Thurston

“Oh, I assumed you were going to ask me about my rape, murder, psychological torture, or embezzlement charges. Pass.”

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Officer Amanda Stevens

“The fentanyl crisis used to be awesome, but now that there’s life-saving medicine like Narcan, it just kind of lost some of its pizzazz.”

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Officer Jackson Fried

“We like to prank each other down at the precinct with it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked through a door only for a bucket of fentanyl to spill all over my head.”

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Officer Rudy Jarrett

“Don’t say that word three times, or it shall be summoned!”

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Officer Perry Marks

“I only signed up to be a cop because I heard that it made you immortal. Sadly, it only makes you immune from all laws and consequences.”

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Officer Paul Conner

“It’s giving me a run for my money in the pursuit of my life goal—to hold the world record for killing the highest number of American poor people.”

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Officer Greg Alexander

“I’m infected with fentanyl right now, and you all have to tickle me to get it out!”

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Captain Landon Robles

“Gee, I would hate for a widespread drug crisis to lead to disproportionate policing of marginalized areas.”

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Lieutenant Austin McMahon

“What the fuck did you just say to me? GET ON THE GROUND. GET ON THE GROUND, RIGHT NOW!”

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Officer Debbie Underwood

“I do not care about the well-being of citizens in any way at all.”

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Officer Mason Coleman

“I’m currently suspended with pay, so I don’t think I can answer any questions.”

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Chief Patrick Mars

“Honestly, I’m just surprised it’s a real crisis and not one we made up to get more funding.”

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Sergeant Melissa Haycock

“It’s horrible to think that some poor unhoused person could be poisoned to death by this drug before I could shoot them.”

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Officer Kyle Bridges

“It makes me so mad that anytime I think about it my wife better hope she’s not within reach.”

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