SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as quickly as possible, and we’re pleased to share that trials have been an overwhelming success,” said a spokesperson for Covid-19, who stated the general public could expect to see first cases rolled out to healthcare workers and other vulnerable populations as early as December. “Normally the development and distribution of something like this would take years, but thanks to a concerted national effort, we’ve been able to work at a breakneck speed. Naturally, numbers will be limited at first, but by April, we’re hoping this new mutation will be easily contractible across the entire country. And on top of that, we’re absolutely certain it will be available worldwide by the end of 2021.” At press time, the virus spokesperson added it was impossible to overstate how none of this would be possible without the Trump administration.