Court Delays Inmate’s Execution To Brainstorm Even Grislier Method

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COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is simply going too easy on him,” said Chief Justice Donald W. Beatty, adding that the court determined that the man could not be put to death until a brainstorm of a method that would cause a slow and incredibly painful death had been completed and they felt satisfied that they’d come up with the most gruesome method they could possibly conceive. “We’re concerned that our current methods, including electrocution and firing squad, allow the prisoner too much humanity and dignity in their final moments. There have to be some other methods involving torture or really disgusting acts he could perform that we could include as part of a death-row execution. The court believes there should be more mental anguish, first and foremost. When you see all these pictures of medieval torture devices, you have to think that we could combine something from back then with the technological advances we’ve made in recent decades to dream up something that’s excruciatingly awful. What if we covered him in milk and honey and left him out for the flies to eat? We’re just spitballing here at the emergency session we’ve convened to come up with something really good.” At press time, the court announced that they had settled on an especially grisly method of execution that involved allowing the death-row inmate to keep living under current prison conditions for the rest of his life.