WASHINGTON—In an acknowledgment that it may not be able to accomplish much with its infection of the nation’s commander-in-chief, the virus that causes Covid-19 told reporters Thursday it was unsure what it could do to make President Biden’s body any weaker. “His vital organs and circulatory system are already pretty shot, so I have no idea where to begin,” said the omicron subvariant BA.5 specimen, explaining that it first tried to damage the 79-year-old’s respiratory tract and impair his cognitive functions, but the president appeared to be wheezing and fairly absent-minded before he ever contracted Covid. “His heart, his kidneys—they’re all about to go anyway, so what am I doing here? I can’t even wreak havoc on his sense of taste and smell, because those are long gone. There were barely enough healthy cells in here for me to infect in the first place, so I’m not sure what I was thinking. This is a complete waste of time.” At press time, the disappointed virus had reportedly settled on just giving the president a bad case of acid reflux.
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