ADAMS, TN—Saying the celestial phenomenon was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for her, a local cow announced Monday that she was excited to freak the fuck out during the solar eclipse. “I’m gonna be long gone before this pasture is in the path of totality again, so from the moment the moon begins to obstruct the sun to the final seconds before the light of day returns, I’m going to absolutely lose my goddamn mind,” said the 4-year-old Holstein, confirming that while she normally spends the afternoon grazing, the abrupt, all-encompassing blackness from the eclipse would be a great opportunity to run back and forth aimlessly while mooing like a “fucking maniac.” “I’ll probably book it straight towards the electric fence but then kind of veer off and charge through the herd like a lunatic to get the other cows as freaked out as I am. Then maybe I’ll suddenly stop and just stand there frozen solid for a few minutes before bolting again. Either way, I’m fortunate to be coming completely unglued during a spectacular event like this.” The cow went on to say that if any human tried to approach her during the eclipse event, she was definitely going to bite the shit out of them.
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