TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break. “It’s not like Tim rushed out of the office, grabbed a quick premade sandwich from the convenience store across the street and then rushed back in—no, he sauntered right past everyone on his way out, headed straight for a Buffalo Wild Wings, where he met a friend, ordered an Asian Zing wing combo with fries and took his time eating it before walking back in just in time for the 1:30 sales meeting. It was absolutely insane,” said coworker Helen Long, recounting with awe the boxed-up leftovers that Gibbons triumphantly placed in the office refrigerator upon returning as Long herself worked through a microwaved prepackaged meal while finishing up a lengthy spreadsheet. “This is the craziest thing anyone has done around here since Lola tried to get Chinese food delivered—but then the spring rolls weren’t included as promised. What Tim has done today defies all logic. He’s a madman, but goddammit do I admire him.” Long added that she had seen nothing like Gibbons’ feat in her seven-year history at Synergy Media Services, save for the legendary former salesman Bryan, who had somehow figured out how to wake up early enough to go to the gym before work.

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