Craftsman Confirms New Hammer Backwards-Compatible With Previous Generation Of Nails

NEW BRITAIN, CT—In an attempt to proactively quash concerns among the brand’s diehard fans, Craftsman announced Monday that its newest line of hammers would indeed be backwards-compatible with previous generations of nails. “For anybody worried about whether their nails will still work with the new upgrades, have no fear,” said Stanley Black & Decker CEO James M. Loree, who added that both the smooth- and milled-faced models of the 2019 Craftsman 16-ounce claw hammer would continue to work seamlessly with any version of nail purchased between yesterday and the onset of the Bronze Age in 1800 B.C. “Our first priority must always be to our customers. These are the people standing in line for hours, sometimes even camping out overnight, just to get the latest Craftsman product, and we will always give them what they want. People have complained about some of our 2018 framing hammers not syncing properly with certain 1,117th-generation nails, so we had our engineers pull a few 100-hour weeks to address the issue. Now, whether the nails are steel, iron, brass, or even copper, they should respond correctly to being hit by one of our hammers right out of the box.” Loree admitted that the new line of Craftsman Overdriven Quad-Core Black Series nails would not be fully compatible with hammers made before 2017, insisting the compromise was necessary to facilitate a “long overdue quantum leap forward” in driven-fastener technology.

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