Illustration for article titled Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy Foragers

NEW RICHMOND, EV—In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’ refusal to address global warming, critics in the 2030s asked why teen climate activist Elisa Garcia-Reilly wasn’t in an abandoned school bailing water and shooting enemy foragers. “Instead of constantly screeching about how all our policies are selling out her generation and dooming them to unavoidable suffering, maybe this little hussy ought to spend more time in the remains of what was once a high school choosing which infants to save and defending her family’s food cache from scavengers,” said television pundit Caden Williams of the 16-year-old climate activist, voicing the sentiments of critics who declared that she had no clue what she was talking about and was trying to catastrophize being constantly starving and up to her waist in water. “All these teenagers getting riled up about climate change need to settle down and stay home to help the rest of their wandering band butcher enough giant cockroach meat to feed everyone. We are absolutely sick and tired of this entitled girl constantly lecturing us about how it’s our fault that 80% of animal species are dead and the oceans are scalding to the touch, and that if we don’t act now we’ll doom her generation to eating each other just to stay alive. Elisa belongs in the bombed-out remains of the last defensible facility in her community, searching for some sort of textbook that she can throw at intruders.” Critics of the teenage climate activist added that they weren’t surprised in the least when she rejected an invitation to be honored at the Time 100 2034 gala since she was clearly a huge bitch.


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