WASHINGTON, MO—According to stunned sources, billions of seedlings burst through the soil of farmlands across the nation and began growing at an alarming rate Thursday as Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant stood in the center of a soybean field and slowly raised his outstretched arms upward. “It is time—rise high above the land, my sweets,” said Grant as cornstalks, sorghum plants, tomato vines, and dozens of other commercial crops sprung from the earth throughout the country, growing taller and fuller with each inch that the agribusiness executive’s upturned palms ascended into the air. “Yes, yes, that’s it, my lovely creations! Grow bigger, stronger! Nothing shall stop your growth or limit your yield! Thrive and ripen!” After commanding the nation’s crops to their full height and maturity, Grant is then reported to have slowly dragged his index finger across his neck, causing all non-GMO crops in the U.S. to wither and collapse.

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