SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting the man standing on the ledge of the roof had really “got them good,” the crowd gathered at Santa Rosa Plaza admitted to reporters Friday they felt pretty silly after spending all that time pleading with a rooftop sniper not to jump. “Boy, do I feel stupid for telling that guy he had so much to live for right before he whipped out his M110 semi-automatic,” said 37-year-old Austin McCafferty, one of 58 shoppers who had spotted a disturbed individual pacing atop a building, came to his aid, and then had no choice but to run for their lives after the “goof up.” “Remember when we told the guy to think of his family? That made him even more mad. In our defense, he did end up being pretty disturbed—just not in the way we thought! Foot in my mouth, right?” At press time, the crowd told reporters that they all got together and had a good laugh afterwards, especially when they learned the sniper just ended up turning the firearm on himself.

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