BERKELEY, CA—Explaining that the moody species had matured, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley announced Wednesday that crows had evolved a new blond look after concluding their 17-million-year goth phase. “Finally, after millions of years of unnecessary angst and aggression, the Corvus brachyrhynchos has decided to grow up and act and look like the adult birds they are,” said evolutionary scientist Professor Julia Hastings, adding that crows’ entire attitude as a species had been rather embarrassing, from the black feathers, to their terrible cawing, to their obsession with blood and gore. “Ever since crows decided to branch off as a species and become goth, they’ve been super performative about their anger, making a point of bullying smaller birds and only hanging out with other goth birds. But now that they’ve grown up and lost the shock factor, they almost seem ashamed about it all.” At press time, the crows were seen sporting beautiful blond feathers, singing upbeat songs, and staring judgmentally at vultures who were eating roadkill.
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