CAMBRIDGE—Admitting that setting clear goalposts would help them with their tendency to procrastinate, scientists at Harvard University who work better under a deadline announced Tuesday that a cure for cancer was only 10 years away. “Okay, we’re coming out and saying, right now, that cancer will be completely eradicated by 2028,” said lead researcher Hana Ward, telling reporters that now that they’d committed to a timeline, it would really push them to stop messing around and get to work. “We’ve all put it in our calendars, so we should be good to go. As soon as we’re done with this press conference, it’s going to be all curing cancer all the time. We urge Americans to remind us of our commitment and really hold our feet to the fire about this to ensure we’re not slacking off. To be on the safe side, we’d recommend that you check back in with us in five years or so to make sure we’re still on track.” Ward added that her team actually had a couple quick things to take care of, but they’d be really putting their noses to the grindstone come next week.
More from The Onion