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Dad Shredding Old Junk Mail With Intensity Of Watergate 7

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PIGEON FORGE, TN—Watching the man feed page after page into the machine, family sources confirmed Thursday that local father Jay Farley was shredding old junk mail with the intensity of the Watergate Seven. As the sweat beaded on his brow and his face took on a determined expression reminiscent of a Nixon White House advisor masterminding a cover up of federal crimes, Farley is said to have methodically destroyed every piece of mail that could give away any part of his identity. For a period of at least 30 minutes, the father of three was reportedly hidden away in his home office shredding all the takeout menus, credit card offers, and store coupons with the same frantic energy of a group of Nixon campaign aides performing an array of clandestine, illegal activities. Sources added that Farley even used a Sharpie to painstakingly black out his name and address from the covers of magazines too big to fit through the shredder as if he were erasing 18 and a half minutes of incriminating evidence. At press time, reports indicated that Farley had asked his son to act as his G. Gordon Liddy by taking the bags of documents to a disposal site.