DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—After a controversial video surfaced showing His Holiness asking a child to “suck his tongue,” the Dalai Lama told reporters Tuesday that he previously had felt left out being the only leader of a major religion not to molest someone. “The Dalai Lama would like to apologize for his recent inappropriate comments toward a young boy, as His Holiness just wanted to fit in better and have more to talk about with other men of the cloth,” read a statement posted to the 14th Dalai Lama’s Twitter account, adding that the Buddhist monk and leader of the Tibetan people had found it difficult to attend religious summits and speak to leaders from faiths such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism without having any good molestation stories. “The last time His Holiness hung out with everyone, Pope Francis really laid into him about not having ever diddled anyone, and repeatedly called him a ‘narc’ and a ‘needle-dicked pussy bitch.’ His Holiness never meant to hurt the boy—he just wanted to be able to sit at the table with religious leaders and join in when they talk about abusing their power, committing sexual crimes against minors, and subsequently spending years covering things up. He is truly sorry.” At press time, the Dalai Lama admitted to reporters that he felt bad that molesting the young boy had finally helped him free himself from his earthly form and achieve true enlightenment.
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