TORONTO—Sighing with frustration as his physician gave him a perfect bill of health, director David Cronenberg once again left a doctor’s appointment disappointed by the lack of any distinct body horror, sources confirmed Monday. “Are you sure there aren’t any moles on my back that might ooze black pus and cause me to crave human flesh? Or, like, a vaginal crevice where some little insects might’ve laid their eggs?” said the Scanners and They Came From Within director, who sources confirmed looked expectantly to his physician only to be let down once more with news that he was the picture of health. “Please tell me that a couple of my fingernails might fall off. What about my left eye? Do you see how bloodshot it is? I thought maybe some sort of spindly parasite might be trapped inside—no? And there’s definitely no reason to tear out my eyeball and wrap the optic nerve around my throat? Did you check for a jabbering mouth filled with rotting teeth on my torso? Okay, well, fine. I appreciate your time.” At press time, Cronenberg was reportedly searching for a second opinion on whether his stomach convulsion might be an early sign that he would soon vomit up a giant writhing maggot.
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