NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so easy to find a mayor that doesn’t suck shit after all, huh?” during a press conference Tuesday. “Hey, you all gave it your best shot, but it looks like it’s a little harder than you thought to run a candidate who won’t be a national fucking disgrace, doesn’t it?” said De Blasio, smirking as he suggested that the voting public had perhaps gotten a little too big for their britches at the prospect of electing someone who would amount to more than a constant source of embarrassment for the city at large. “But, no, really, I hope you have a goddamn blast with Eric Adams or whatever asshole you end up going with, and I’m sure you’ll knock everybody’s socks off with some really incredible candidates during the next election cycle. Just goes to show that it’s not so easy to find someone who isn’t a total dickhead hated by everybody.” At press time, De Blasio had issued a joint statement along with Mike Bloomberg and Rudy Giuliani that consisted of them loudly laughing for 10 straight minutes.
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