Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away

Illustration for article titled Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away

All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.


What will you do, readers? The train is fast approaching. Tick tock, tick tock.

On one hand, CD Projekt Red has placed the only advance release of one of the most anticipated games of this generation smack dab in the middle of the railway for anyone who wants it. It would be foolish to pass up the opportunity to play it months before almost anyone else on this planet. But, then again, you must risk life and limb leaping down onto the tracks in order to pick it up, assuming that you have the physical dexterity to clamber back up onto the platform before that speeding locomotive barreling over the horizon smashes through the station at 125 mph.

A difficult decision, is it not? And every moment you waste contemplating your choices like a coward only makes it more difficult. Of course, you could jump onto the tracks, retrieve this Game of the Year contender, and get off in the next 30 seconds. It could be easy—and you would save $59.99 to boot. However, it’s quite far down, and that’s a 9,000-ton iron locomotive bearing towards the delicate disc containing all of Night City and its hundreds of hours of finely tuned open-world gameplay.

Should you fail to get off the tracks, you would be obliterated in a second. Snuffed out from the earth itself, along with what’s sure to be the greatest science-fiction game of all time.

The clock is running out, friend! Though it’s still almost a fifth of a football field away, that express train is showing no signs of slowing. All you need to do is stop agonizing after your decisions, dive onto that track, and seize your prize. Nothing could be more simple. Or perhaps you would be embarking on a foolhardy errand that will end in your premature demise. Perhaps you will attempt to lie flat on your back as the high-speed freighter passes over you, inches from your face, only to be instead flattened like a pancake in a moment and left as a bloody mess for your family and friends to mourn. Who can foretell how one’s decisions will play out through the murky fog of time?

Ah, but wait one moment, gamers! It looks as if a young child has just fallen on the tracks trying to retrieve Cyberpunk 2077 for herself. She’s gotten her foot stuck in one of the railroad ties. It looks like you can only save one of them: the game or the child. And the train is almost here. What will you do?


Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.