ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new investigation into the population decline of critical pollinators, entomologists at Cornell University published a study Tuesday that establishes a link between bees’ dwindling numbers and their increased consumption of pornographic materials. “It appears the marked collapse in honeybee colonies over the past 15 years can be largely attributed to the male drones’ rampant use of hardcore bee pornography,” said head researcher Lisa Harrison, explaining that previous generations of bees masturbated less frequently and were more successful in reproducing due to limited access to images and video of raunchy bee-on-bee action. “Porn can warp the perspective of these insects, giving them unrealistic expectations of what it’s like to be one of the 20 or so males mating with the queen. Having viewed thousands of images of well-endowed drones may also make them self-conscious about the size of their own endophallus.” Alternatively, Harrison added, male honey bees may simply find the idea of sex unappealing upon learning from porn the all-too-real fact that after they ejaculate inside the queen their genitals are torn off and they fall to the ground and die.
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