Families around the nation are putting up trees, stringing up lights, and hanging mistletoe to make their homes warm, welcoming, and festive for the holidays. Here are some tips for decorating your home:

  • Evoke classic Christendom by placing cantaloupe “Turk heads” on spikes outside your windows.
  • If you have palm trees in your front yard, wrap Christmas lights around their bottom halves to make them look even more unsightly.
  • Put on a looped video of stockings in case you don’t have stockings in your own home.
  • Stick a bow on your couch.
  • A miniature Christmas tree is perfect for making any walk-up apartment look sadder.
  • Place overly religious Christmas ornament from aunt on out-of-the-way branch.
  • Inject your candles with anticoagulant solution to prevent wax from clotting.
  • Dig and fill 20-foot eggnog moat.
  • If you don’t want to buy a Christmas tree, try making your own out of seeds, water, and sunlight.
  • Fill the final box of an Advent calendar with live ants to teach your children a cryptic lesson on commercialism.
  • Mount menorah on roof so Santa knows to keep it moving.