NEW YORK—Expounding upon the immutable, transcendental beauty of the universe, bestselling author and New Age guru Deepak Chopra told reporters Monday that divinity can be found even within the random bullshit he’s always making up. “When you quiet yourself, open your heart, and really listen, you can find enlightenment anywhere, including in the trite garbage I just rattle off the top of my head in order to sell you books,” Chopra said before appropriating a series of scientific terms and misusing them to justify the quasi-intellectual rhetoric that has garnered him a personal net worth estimated at more than $150 million. “As unbelievable as it sounds, you can find health and fulfillment in something as insignificant as the asinine drivel that pours out of my mouth on a daily basis. If you simply take a moment to look inward and clear your mind, you will discover the divine permeates our entire cosmos: the earth, the stars, the darkness, the light, and also the absolute horseshit I’ve been serving up for decades to anyone who’s credulous enough to swallow it.” At press time, reports confirmed Chopra had secured another multimillion-dollar advance after spending an hour or two on a book proposal titled How To Live Forever And Never Feel Sadness Or Pain Of Any Kind.
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