CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills, defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s quite frankly insulting that these federal agents think we need their assistance violating the civil rights of lawful protesters by rounding them up and throwing them into jail cells,” said Wilson, explaining that the federal government couldn’t even begin to match the Chicago Police Department’s ability to terrorize the community. “Honestly, those guys are amateurs compared to us. Chicago P.D. wrote the book on stifling dissidents and covering the whole thing up. We have a whole system of dehumanizing demonstrators that’s been in place for over 100 years, and they think they can come in on day one and tell us how things work? Give me a fucking break.” At press time, Wilson was humbled after realizing he could disappear even more protesters by setting aside his differences with the federal agents and working together to brutalize citizens.