As the Democratic presidential primaries heat up and the party hopes to defeat President Trump in 2020, fierce debate has raged about whether it should stake out more left-wing political positions or remain moderate. The Onion breaks down what’s at stake in the debate over the Democratic Party’s future.
Obamacare:
Moving Left: Replace with Medicare for all
Remaining Moderate: It’s unrealistic to believe we can fight death
Foreign Policy:
Moving Left: Respect other nations’ right to self-determination
Remaining Moderate: 10% less than whatever Dick Cheney would do
Donor Rewards:
Moving Left: “I Donated” bumper sticker
Remaining Moderate: Ambassadorship to Andorra
Favorite Van Halen Album:
Moving Left: Diver Down
Remaining Moderate: 1984
Climate Change:
Moving Left: The free market shows no signs of solving this problem
Remaining Moderate: Yeah, but it still might
Immigration:
Moving Left: Reform-based
Remaining Moderate: Résumé-based
Trade War With China:
Moving Left: When the brazen, uncontrollable Trump administration tosses bricks into the windows of international business, it can’t expect tangible results
Remaining Moderate: We should be doing this to Russia instead
Taxes:
Moving Left: Rich individuals pay more
Remaining Moderate: I am rich
Infighting:
Moving Left: Pro
Remaining Moderate: Pro
Chance Of Beating Trump:
Moving Left: Does everyone think he’s just going to leave if a Democrat wins?
Remaining Moderate: Seriously, these people really think he’s just going to say, “Oh, okay, time to leave,” and just waltz out of there? Get real.