Illustration for article titled Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun

GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase Humbert instead of a full-grown adult who could buy a gun. “Chase was the 666th child born in that hospital, has a pretty passable-looking Mark of the Beast birthmark on his back, often stares at people without blinking or speaking, and seemed like a perfect fit at first, but I’m starting to think I really blew it,” said Artaraz, admitting it would be far easier to achieve his ambitions of sowing chaos and discord by spirit-riding a healthy 24-year-old white male into a gun shop to buy an automatic rifle instead of trapping himself in Humbert’s useless child body, which lacks the muscle mass to even push a babysitter out a fifth-story window. “I mean, I’m definitely making this kid’s parents miserable, what with all the screaming and the crayon pictures of people with their eyes blacked out, but that feels like small potatoes compared to what the average non-possessed American does every other day with a gun. Compared to that, a kid speaking in a deep voice as crimson light pours from his eyes is fairly trivial, even if he does get his hands on the grown-up scissors.” Artaraz has reportedly taken some small inspiration from common news stories featuring young children who have managed to find firearms in their mother’s purses with what the demon called “glorious results.”


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