Department Of Defense Unveils $83 Million Thing That Shoots

WASHINGTON—Defense Department Deputy Secretary William Lynn III revealed the results of a three-year, $83 million project culminating in a device that shoots Friday. "This new, state-of-the-art thing that shoots will be an invaluable part of our arsenal," said Lynn of the high-tech thing that rolls around and shoots things. "When combined with our thing that goes underwater and our thing that flies around and drops exploding stuff, this cutting-edge shooting thing will help ensure American military dominance for decades." Lynn also emphasized to reporters that the new device will only shoot at bad people.