WASHINGTON—Vowing to take a stand against the smarmy fucks who must think they’re some kind of hot shit, the U.S. Department of Education announced Monday that it would crack down on cocky little assholes who hand in their test early. “The American public school system will no longer tolerate any student who dares to saunter up to the front of the classroom, slam their assignment on their teacher’s desk, and flash a shit-eating grin while saying ‘Wow, that was so easy,’” said deputy secretary to the Department of Education Mick Zais, adding that those who hum to themselves, yawn, or loudly open personal reading materials after turning in their tests with 20 minutes left on the clock will receive an automatic failing grade. “From today onward, any student who smugly asks the teacher for extra work or whines that they already checked their answers three times will be swiftly punished. Also, if a teacher catches some arrogant little turd high-fiving another high-achieving student in their classroom, they have the power to suspend them. Indefinitely.” At press time, Zais announced the Department of Education would also be cracking down on students who earned perfect scores on tests by punishing them with immediate expulsion.


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