‘No One’s Going To Choose The 14th Anniversary Of Something To Attack,’ Says Secretary

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the preventative measure was totally unnecessary, Department of Homeland Security officials announced Friday that they were not about to raise the country’s alert level for the 14th anniversary of the September 11th attacks. “Let’s be honest, if groups like al-Qaeda or ISIS were planning an attack to coincide with the anniversary of 9/11, they would choose one of the big ones like the fifth or the 10th, not this one,” said Department of Homeland Security secretary Jeh Johnson, adding that as far as symbolically meaningful anniversaries go, the 14th “doesn’t even come close.” “Trust us, when 9/11 rolls around again next year the threat level will be through the roof, but we should be fine today. If you’re going to worry about anything, it should be the big 2-0 coming up in 2021.” Johnson later confirmed that a large-scale attack on American soil would pretty much be unavoidable on the 25th anniversary of 9/11, but told reporters that it should be smooth sailing from then until the 50th.

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