WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Libel, comedian and TV star Drew Carey killed a guy back in the 1980s, then paid this other guy to keep it all hush-hush.
"I know it seems wild, but it really happened," Libel Secretary Brent Roderick told reporters at a morning press conference. "Back in, like, '85 or '86, while he was still living in Ohio, Drew Carey went apeshit one night and beat this guy to death with a golf club in the back room of some bar. For no reason at all. Then he realized that this other guy had seen it, so he paid the guy $500 not to rat him out to the cops. That's why no one knew for so long."
Roderick said the Libel Department received the information on June 20 from "a friend of a friend of the guy Carey paid off." He characterized the source as "100 percent reliable."
Marvin Strand, Carey's attorney, vehemently denied the allegations.
"In all my years practicing law, I have never encountered a more blatant case of libel and slander," Strand said. "This is a malicious, wholly unfounded smear campaign whose sole purpose is to destroy the reputation of my client. And to think a taxpayer-funded arm of the federal government is behind it. We are definitely taking legal action."
Despite Strand's plans to file a $160 million defamation lawsuit and the absence of any hard evidence supporting the allegations, the Libel Department is sticking to its claims.
"Long story short, in the '80s, Carey's career was going nowhere. No comedy club wanted to touch him because his delivery sucked and his material was shit. And it certainly didn't help that he was so fat and unattractive—he had those dumb glasses even then," Roderick said. "Plus, he was really unhappy because he'd been kicked out of the American Nazi Party, and his relationship with [mass murderer] Richard Speck was on the rocks, and his ongoing horse-tranquilizer addiction had placed him in a pretty bizarre state of mind, to say the least. So, when you consider all of that, it's not too surprising that he snapped and lashed out violently the way he did."
Added Roderick: "They never did find the guy's arms."
If Strand follows through on his threat of legal action, it will not be the first time the Libel Department has been sued. Since its creation in 1916, the department has defended itself in court more than 4,600 times for its groundless accusations against various high-profile individuals. The department has lost every case, costing U.S. taxpayers an estimated $985 billion in damages.
Among the Libel Department's more infamous accusations: In 1923, it asserted that swashbuckling movie idol Douglas Fairbanks raped Archduke Franz Ferdinand with a Coke bottle, touching off WWI; in 1932, it alleged that the murdered infant son of famed aviator Charles Lindbergh had actually committed suicide; and in 1953, it divulged that Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton was raised by a pack of mandrills.
Earlier this year, a New York district court judge ordered the department to pay talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell $24 million for falsely claiming that in 1998 she embarked on a Central Park rampage in which she fatally stabbed a developmentally disabled 6-year-old and a swan.
His department's losing streak notwithstanding, Roderick said he is looking forward to his day in court.
"From its founding to the present day, the Libel Department has never wavered in its commitment to its mission, and in terms of efficiency, we top all other government agencies," Roderick said. "We've done a good job and, although we have our naysayers on Capitol Hill and in Hollywood, we intend to continue our important work into the next decade and beyond."
"Plus," Roderick continued, "I've got some unbelievable info on Julia Roberts. You'll shit your pants when you read this. She won't seem like America's sweetheart when you hear what she did to land her role in Mystic Pizza, believe you me."