COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—More than three weeks after the beloved 90-year-old actor’s passing, the nation was surprised to find itself still mired in a deep depression over the loss of film and sitcom star Jack Klugman, millions of Americans reported Thursday. “I only watched The Odd Couple a few times on cable, and I guess I never realized how much Jack meant to me until he was gone,” said Iowa homemaker Beth Golding, who lay weeping and curled up on her couch, a scene that played itself out repeatedly across all 50 states. “It’s been almost a month now, and yet not a day goes by that I don’t think about how actor Jack Klugman was cruelly torn away from us. I can’t eat, sleep, or work without seeing his smiling face everywhere I look. Why the hell am I still taking this so hard?” At press time, the entire U.S. populace reportedly sighed and stared wistfully out the window.
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