NEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association released a statement Friday recommending thorough, regular checks of the entire body for screaming demonic faces bulging out of your skin. “It’s important to catch these things early, so we suggest incorporating self-examinations into your daily routine and keeping an eye out for any sores, rashes, or lumps that could possibly develop into demons pressing their warped and twisted faces against your skin from the inside, preparing to let out a pained, hellish scream,” the statement read in part before going on to advise using a mirror or seeking a friend’s help in order to inspect hard-to-reach areas, perhaps even utilizing a stethoscope to hear cacophonic howls developing in suspect areas. “Often, it’s nothing—just something relatively benign, say, a run-of-the-mill damned spirit trapped between the layers of your skin and moaning in pain. However, if it’s a tormented soul whose hell-flensed visage gnaws its way out of a suppurating boil on your lower back and shrieks in agony while biting its own lips to ribbons, that’s something you should get looked at.” The statement also noted that anyone who detects a withered, hollow-eyed little girl protruding from their midsection and singing nursery rhymes in an echoing whisper should immediately seek professional help.
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