WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop worrying about gas prices, inflation, or anything like that and just have a fun, spooky time,” the commander-in-chief said as he signed an executive order confirming that the Halloween holiday would now occur on the last day of all twelve months, allowing Americans to enjoy year-round treat-or-treating, costume parties, and haunted hayrides. Biden then handed out miniature candy bars to gathered reporters. “It’s nice to hang up a few skeletons on your porch and keep a little plastic pumpkin filled with treats on your counter, right? Now you’ll be able to do that every month, whether on the creepy-crawly New Year’s Eve Halloween or on the Halloween that comes right after Thanksgiving. Get ready for a lot more haunted houses and bobbing for apples, folks. I hope this is what everyone wanted. I’m trying here.” At press time, Biden’s approval rating had reportedly skyrocketed to 89%.