IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want membership campaign this week. “Our mission here at the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people for the future by instilling in them a strong set of values, and now the opportunity to maim and dismember as many dead squirrels as they would like,” said recruitment coordinator Timothy Jones, adding that the organization would definitely look the other way if new scouts wanted to torture and mangle live squirrels. “You can cut open their stomachs with a pocket knife and fling the internal organs at a tree. We don’t really care. Set them on fire, pretend two of them are fighting, chop them into bloody chunks or impale their decapitated heads on a stick. We’re not in the business of passing judgment on how you choose to mutilate dead squirrels or some other woodland creature. Really, we’re just trying to grow our organization as much as possible. If that means awarding badges for members who cave in a raccoon’s skull on a nearby rock, so be it.” At press time, membership had doubled, increasing to nearly 5 million scouts.