‘Please, Just Tell Me Who To Arm And I’ll Do It,’ President Says

WASHINGTON—Saying the shipments were just sitting there all ready to go, a desperate President Obama stated Monday that as soon as someone lets him know who to give arms to in order to defeat ISIS, he will immediately begin doing so. “The U.S. stands ready to address the threat of violent extremism, so if I could just get the name of a person or a group that I can supply with weapons to stop ISIS, I promise I’ll get a whole big shipment to them ASAP—all I need is a name,” said a visibly exasperated Obama, explaining that he had “tons of guns” he could send and vowing that he would “keep them right on coming” for as long as needed until the situation was resolved. “Automatic rifles, RPGs, mortars—we’ve got all of that. So if someone could please tell me the name of a city to drop them off in, or even a region will work, or, you know, just point to somewhere on a map, I swear I can get all those things there in a few hours. Seriously, just let me know.” The president added that if he didn’t get an answer soon, he would simply go ahead and airdrop a crate of M16s and ammunition every half mile or so across the greater Middle East and just hope for the best.

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