Illustration for article titled Desperate Red Cross Introduces New High-Powered Arm Juicer To Get Every Last Drop Out Of Donors

WASHINGTON—Calling the machine a “potential breakthrough” in the nonprofit’s fight against the coronavirus pandemic, a desperate American Red Cross introduced a new high-powered arm juicer Monday designed to get every last drop of blood out of donors. “We’ve been struggling to find healthy donors, so this machine is a godsend thanks to its ability to extract 99% of blood platelets,” said American Red Cross president Gail McGovern, clarifying that donors simply fit their arms into the juicer’s mold while three blades work to draw blood “until there’s nothing left but a tray of bone dust.” “It’s a relatively pain-free process, and donors won’t have to worry about needle pricks. We’re encouraging everyone to consider having the procedure done on both arms to help us meet the increasing demand. There’s a nation-wide shortage of blood, and when you’re hooked up to the arm juicer, just know that you’re saving lives.” At press time, McGovern announced that donors who felt dizzy after giving blood would receive a cookie to get their blood sugar levels back up.

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