SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate Starbucks officials openly begged Monday for people to masturbate and use drugs in the coffee shop chain’s restrooms. “Please, just come in and do whatever the hell you want in the bathroom—feel free to shoot up or whack off—we’ll give you the code, no questions asked,” said Starbucks spokesperson Haley Drage, clarifying that, if a customer wished to stimulate their genitalia to the point of orgasm or snort a line of cocaine elsewhere in the store, they were also more than welcome to do so among the tables, while waiting in line, or behind the service counter. “We implore customers to just visit our locations. You don’t even have to buy anything; in fact, if you can provide proof you’ve masturbated or taken drugs in one of our stores, you can visit the counter for a free tall beverage of your choice. Come on, please just do this for us. Please?” At press time, the manager of a Starbucks in Phoenix, AZ had reportedly called the police on a black customer after he failed to masturbate or do any drugs within the first five minutes of his visit.
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