Illustration for article titled Detroit Ending 24-Hour Police Station Access

Beginning this week, the City of Detroit will shut the doors of its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Here are other ways the cash-strapped city is saving money:

  • Replacing the east side’s 11 functional streetlights with compact fluorescent bulbs
  • Emergency response subcontracted to former Motown session musicians
  • City now leaving all its trash outside Cleveland for pickup
  • 911 will secretly change its number to 912 to lighten call volume for the dispatchers
  • Food bank will now be stocked solely with octopuses collected from the rink during Red Wings playoff games
  • Only one homicide to be reported per day, via lottery system
  • Fourth of July fireworks just dumb kid popping red paper bag
  • $100 Symbolism Exploitation Fee on all tourists photographing urban decay

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