WASHINGTON—Explaining that any shock over the incidents was completely unfounded, Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf attempted Monday to assuage concerns over the videos of protesters in Portland being abducted by promising this will all feel fairly routine in a month. “We get that unmarked federal vehicles taking people off the street seems disturbing to people right now, but within a few months, this will just seem like an everyday occurrence that isn’t worth a second thought,” said Wolf, who told reporters that any outrage or concern from civilians or the press should dissipate as the abductions rapidly blend into the mundane fabric of American life. “By the end of the year, you’ll feel strange thinking of a time when these abductions were not happening. Change is uncomfortable for sure, but soon you’ll be walking down the street, see a jogger get pulled into a military vehicle, and you’ll just keep on listening to your music or podcast without batting an eye. Trust me, save your emotional energy for all the other stuff we’ll be rolling out over the coming weeks.” Wolf further dismissed any criticism over the haphazard nature of the military operation by noting this rollout has been excitedly discussed by the administration for years.
More from The Onion