SAN FRANCISCO—Addressing her continued health problems, a spokesman for Dianne Feinstein confirmed Thursday that the California Democrat was recovering nicely after the gurney she was on plunged down a flight of stairs and launched her into a wall just as she was about to be discharged from the hospital. “Not to worry, Sen. Feinstein is in stable condition following a bumpy ride down a set of 32 steps on a rickety metal stretcher that flung her into a cold concrete wall against which her body made an audible splat,” said Feinstein’s chief of staff, James Sauls, who added that efforts to scrape the 90-year-old lawmaker off the wall using a large, specially made spatula had been mostly successful, with only a fraction of her body stubbornly sticking to the surface. “As dedicated as ever to her constituents, the senator will be back in Washington when Congress convenes after Labor Day, despite the fact that she is currently as flat as a pancake with her two detached eyeballs blinking atop a pile of fleshy goo. It’s important to say upfront that none of this will impair her abilities to perform her job, and there are plans underway to reinflate the senator with a hand-operated air pump, thus returning her to three-dimensional form. For anyone who questions whether she is still fit for office, please note we haven’t observed a single change in her demeanor throughout this whole ordeal—even the doctors agree her health now is the best it’s been all year.” At press time, sources reported that the tattered remnants of Feinstein had been discharged and sent home in a 5-gallon bucket after medical staff overinflated the flattened senator to the point that she popped.
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