BURBANK, CA—As he rose from his chair to address everyone present on the soundstage, sources reported Tuesday that a Hollywood director had called for quiet on the set so he could begin verbally harassing the cast and crew. “It’s essential that we run a professional set where everyone is in their places and remains completely silent when I’m ready to scream at the actors who keep fucking up this scene,” A-list director James Freeborn said before proceeding to shout scathing insults at the film’s lead actors and tell them they were putting the whole production in jeopardy with their total incompetence. “A film set is a communal space where everyone needs to contribute in order to have their spirit broken by me when they inevitably fuck things up because they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and I will not let you dumbfucks fuck me over, do you understand? The most crucial element in the art of filmmaking is you eating shit from a miserable human being who has sold out every ideal he once held dear and is now just trying to cling to his reputation as a director the studios can count on to deliver a reasonable profit.” Just when he appeared to have concluded the episode of verbal harassment, sources confirmed Freeborn had called for a reset, saying he wanted another opportunity to get his insults of the crew just right before he called it a wrap and went home for the day.
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