WINNETKA, IL—Disappointed that the object was not the intriguing plaything he had initially perceived it to be, local 8-month-old child Josiah O’Connell reportedly removed the plastic bag from his head Wednesday after reading, “Warning: Not A Children’s Toy.” “Aw, fuck, well that’s a shame—I was really looking forward to it, too,” said the infant, who noted to his great chagrin that although everything he could see, touch, and taste about the bag suggested it would make for a delightfully entertaining pastime, it would be quite irresponsible to proceed. “‘Keep out of reach from children to avoid suffocation.’ That’s probably there for a good reason. This is just like the rat poison situation all over again. Well, what a bummer. Still, though, it does crinkle—but no, no, I really shouldn’t. Then again, no one’s around.” At press time, O’Connell concluded that a few more seconds with the bag on his head couldn’t hurt.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.