KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, everybody was supposed to be giving out rainbow fentanyl this year, and I didn’t even get a single pill,” said Vercetti, adding that she even examined her haul of candy for any packages that were open or looked tampered with just in case the colorful opioids were hidden inside, but she still came up empty. “I was expecting my neighborhood to be flooded with rainbow fentanyl to get kids addicted, and instead I get a box of Whoppers? I can’t OD on that! I thought for sure the rundown house where the weird guy lives would have them, but he was too cheap to give out any drugs.” At press time, a visibly excited Vercetti was said to have downed an entire bag of rainbow tablets she found before sadly declaring they were nothing but useless, nontoxic Smarties.
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