WASHINGTON—In response to the disappointing box office numbers for the LGBTQ rom-com Bros, President Joe Biden was left with no choice Thursday but to ban gay marriage, White House officials confirmed. “This feature film written by and starring Billy Eichner experienced a dismal opening weekend, and so I have been compelled to take the difficult action of ending all marital unions between same-sex partners throughout the United States,” Biden said as he signed an executive order nullifying all existing gay marriages and prohibiting all future ones, explaining that his hands were tied in light of the fact that Bros would struggle to generate a profit given its disastrously low ticket sales. “Trust me when I say this is not the result I would have chosen. While it’s possible the film will generate some decent streaming revenues in the long term if audiences choose to watch it at home, the fact remains that Americans did not turn out in droves to see Bros in theaters. We live in a democracy, and the moviegoers have spoken.” Later, after reading a critical review of Bros, Biden was reportedly forced to order the Centers for Disease Control to reclassify homosexuality as a highly contagious mental illness.
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