OCOEE, FL—Stressing that he should be entitled to a better offer to keep his mouth shut, local judge Robert Arnold expressed his disappointment to reporters Monday that a proposed bribe was just the duffel bag. “When the guy I’d never seen before dropped the duffel bag next to me in the gym and said, ‘For your cooperation,’ I figured there’d be a bunch of money or something inside, but apparently it’s just the bag,” said Arnold, adding that he knew the defense attorneys in a local drug-trafficking case were trying to get him to rule in their client’s favor, but assumed they would offer more than the duffel bag in payment. “Another guy called me later to ask if I’d considered their offer, and I asked whether that was it, and he seemed surprised and said it was very generous. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice duffel bag—it’s new, and I like the color. I’m no expert in bribery, but it seems to me that if you’re trying to get me to let a violent drug trafficker off scot-free in the face of pretty damning evidence, you’d at least go with a brand-name bag. I suppose it’s better than no incentive, though.” When reached for comment, the men working to bribe the judge voiced their belief that bribing someone with money was really tacky.
