For many Nintendo fans, The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming. Whether it’s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match. That’s why a recent discussion with experts is going to be a disappointment to gamers everywhere: They’re now telling us that all the big kisses we did to the TV while Princess Zelda was onscreen never got through to her.
That’s right, readers. The big, wet kisses we did to the television? The ones we did specifically to Princess Zelda so she knew how much she meant to us? All this time, she apparently had no idea they ever happened. What a letdown, huh?
Even worse, according to the NYU, Northwestern University, and University of Berkeley game design experts who spoke with us, this sad state of affairs holds true regardless of how rapid, loud, or wet our kisses on the television screen happened to be. We even asked if the little kisses we blew got to her, but they insisted that that was not how games worked.
While some in the gaming community might hold out hope that at least the extra special smooches they gave more recently during Breath Of The Wild playthroughs might have made it through—especially since they wore chapstick and left the kisses on the screen for the whole day and hugged the TV screen, too—the experts were quick to assure us that Princess Zelda had no idea that any of this was happening, and she never would.
This brings up the unsettling question of whether the experts are simply trying to keep all the big kisses for themselves. Certainly, we make the suggestion without significant evidence. But it is a serious line of inquiry worth exploring, as corroborated by the fact that when we repeatedly followed up to ask about how to actually get our kisses through to Princess Zelda, the experts sent us a pamphlet about getting psychiatric help, and urged us to seek out the assistance of a mental health professional.
Well, gaming fans, there you have it! This is a huge blow to our community, but we’ll make it through things the way we always have: together.